4 Years Without Her

It’s been 4 years since I turned my back on my mother. 4 years of no communication or any kind of contact at all. Sounds horrible, right? But don’t be so quick to judge. You don’t know what I’ve been through.

This post is a bit personal, if you don’t feel comfortable about that, you may close this tab or read something else. I’m just writing this to express what I’m feeling lately.

My mom and I really had an amazing bond during my younger years. I didn’t know much about what’s going on aside from the fact that she’s my mom. But years later, I found out some things about her which made our relationship become sour. She’s become very controlling over me, my money, who I talk to, and a lot more.

Our home became really toxic. She and dad would fight, every single day. She started acting like someone who doesn’t have kids or responsibilities. So, I became the instant mother to my siblings since I am the eldest and from then on, things really didn’t work out for my family. We found out more of her wrongdoings and we just couldn’t take it anymore.

Yes, we left my mom. It’s because she was doing us harm more than good. It took me years to do that! I was scared to leave her because she would always tell me “You are just my child. Whatever you do will never be enough payment to me for bringing you into this world.” I still remember every word. I was scared to leave because for the longest time, she threatened me she would do something to my younger siblings.

Imagine the toll it took on my mental health. For years, I was depressed. I was unhappy with my life. Yes, I was making good money but I can’t even use that money to buy what I want or buy good food for my siblings, because she’s holding all my ATM cards.

Anyway, you get the idea how bad it was back then.

Finally, I had the courage to leave and live on my own. My siblings and my dad moved away from home too. After a year of living on my own, I decided to join my dad and my siblings. Since then I’ve been my dad’s help in raising my 4 younger siblings.

I have to tell you how traumatized I was. It felt like I developed a PTSD when I left home. I panic every time I see someone that looks like my mom or even when I hear someone yelling makes me scared. It was torture! I worry every day that my mom would come after me and drag me by the hair.

It started to get better 2 years later.

I still remember my mom. How can I not, right? She’s my mother after all. But I am still so hurt from everything I’ve been through. I don’t even know if I will ever heal from that pain.

I still remember the good moments we had. She was a good cook, we enjoyed the food she made for us. I wish it stayed that way… her making good food for us and being a good housewife to my dad and a good mother to all of us, taking care all of us. It would have been nice.

Someone asked me; how’s life without a mother?

Well, life’s good actually. My life’s been peaceful. I would say the same for my dad and 4 younger siblings that is with me. Sometimes it gets tough, financially speaking, but we get by. We casually talk about mom and then we laugh about all the things we’ve been through, but you can’t deny the pain underlying our laughter.

There are bad times too. Especially when things get too much to handle for me when taking care of my family. I’ve been taking care of my siblings for the longest time, but sometimes I can’t help but feel down and think to myself “This is not my responsibility… I wish my mother was a better mother. Things would have been so different now.

If you have a wonderful mother, consider yourself lucky.

Mama…

I know what we did was unacceptable. But always put in mind why we did that. It was all too much to handle. I was at my breaking point. You cuss at me as if I’m not your daughter. I can only handle so much, Ma. I was so broken by the time I left home.

If I’m being honest, I don’t want you and Papa to be back together (if there’s even a slightest chance, but I doubt that) because I know it will just repeat the past. We are okay. We’re doing great on our own. Things get tough, but we will get by. What you did to me, to us, made us incredibly strong. We feel like we can handle everything that comes our way.

Wherever you are, I hope you are okay and healthy. I don’t wish you ill.

You know I cared for you so much, but you used that against me and abused me mentally and emotionally.

There are days that I wish you were a better mother. But I can never turn the time back. We all just have to move on and live our lives, separately.

Have a good life, Ma. We will be fine even without you.

1 thought on “4 Years Without Her”

  1. I can’t help but shed tears reading this post. And yes, I did shed tears. Because what you wrote here was something you never told me, Ed. You did say mom left the family – but for a different reason – which I will not mention here. I didn’t know you went through a lot more.

    I know what it’s like to be in your situation. To suffer depression and mental breakdowns. Because I grew up with a dysfunctional family too. Not the same as what you went through. But still dysfunctional enough to trigger my depression. I guess we have one thing in common. We were both controlled – just like robots. Until we lose who we really are. I don’t even recognize myself anymore when I look in the mirror sometimes. We have both given up so much just to satisfy the wishes of some people.

    And yes, I don’t think I will ever heal from the pain, too.

Your thoughts?